Back to Sister Manners main page 

Dear Sr. Manners: When my child tried to leave Mass to go to the restroom, the ushers asked her to return to her seat to get a parent to go out with her. What’s that all about?

Gentle Christian: Of course, the only reason a healthy child would need to leave the worship center during Mass would be an emergency or illness. To leave for any other reason, for either a child or an adult, would be disrespectful to both the liturgy and the community. Of course, parents would accompany a child suffering such an emergency. Secondly, a Church is open to everyone, especially during Mass, so there is no way to guarantee the safety of a child roaming about the building unattended. The ushers are merely carrying out a safety precaution. (If the aforementioned "emergencies" occur often for your child, Sr. Manners suggests a reminder to visit the facilities prior to Mass might be in order.)

Gentle Christian: Sr. Manners has observed that more attention is needed when approaching the altar. She has seen those who act as though they were waiting in a cafeteria line -- socializing all the way up the aisle and grabbing their food "to go" as they head for the door. Would it surprise you, faithful believer, that Sr. Manners does not approve? Approaching the altar, the communicant should act in a manner befitting the sacredness of the action s/he is about to perform. Communing with the Risen Christ present in both the bread and wine and in the community requires attention and reverence. Greeting others, looking around, swinging arms, stuffing hands in the pockets, or holding up the line while one performs one’s own acts of piety are all inappropriate behavior. Communicants should approach the sacrament joyfully, singing the communion hymn with the community, without calling attention to themselves along the way.

Dear Sr. Manners: I know that my opinions on current events such as Iraq are very different from those of some of my fellow-parishioners. Should we just avoid talking about it?

Gentle Christian: What do you share with those parishioners? Sr. Manners ventures to suggest that it is quite a lot: A common faith tradition, the community life of the parish, and most importantly — membership in the Body of Christ. Should you talk about difficult issues in a faith context? Absolutely! Does that mean you have to end up shouting at each other? Absolutely not! First, presume that your fellow-parishioner is acting in good faith, just as you are. In complicated issues, it is possible for two people of good conscience to arrive at differing conclusions. Second, be careful about ascribing motives about another person’s love of and loyalty to Church or country. Ask the question behind the question -- strong opinions are often motivated by fear, anxiety, or old, unhealed wounds; but careful listening often reveals new insights behind statements that seem questionable at first hearing. Charity, compassion and respectful listening are called for on both sides as we go about the important work of engaging the values of our faith with the realities of contemporary life.

Dear Sr. Manners: Why am I always being pushed to sing at Mass? First, I don’t have a very good voice, so I am self-conscious; and second, I like my quiet prayer time at Mass.

Dear Sr. Manners: What does "stewardship" have to do with the building, and especially the new carpet? I thought stewardship was putting your envelopes in the collection.

 
Gentle Christian: Stewardship means wise use and allocation of all the resources entrusted to us. So you are correct, dear believer, that it includes a return to God in gratitude of our monetary gifts (and of our time and talents). However, the buildings and resources of the parish have also been entrusted to us -- the community -- to use and maintain for the work of the Kingdom. (And they have been provided by the tithes of the community.) Care of the facility is an extension of respect for the community that gathers there. It also acknowledges that every parish’s resources are limited, and wise stewardship means getting the most out of them — so, time and money spent on cleaning or repairing carpets and other facilities could be used for other purposes. We shouldn’t waste time and resources with carelessness. Good stewardship of our facilities calls on us to counter society’s individualism (but I want to carry my soda into the worship space!) and materialism (oh well ... we’ll just buy another one.) Good stewardship is a mixture of respect and common sense in all areas of parish life.

Dear Sr. Manners: I’ve noticed that at funerals and weddings, etc., when there are a lot of family members gathered right up front, Father often motions to the parishioners sitting behind the family to come to communion. Shouldn’t he invite the family members in the front row to receive before he invites parishioners?

 
Gentle Christian: Often those in the front row for special occasions are either unfamiliar with the way things are done in our parish -- or more often -- are members of other faiths or are not practicing Catholics, and thus refrain from receiving communion. In either instance, the least conspicuous solution is simply for the closest "regulars" to approach the altar. If those in the front row wish to observe and then receive Communion, they may do so. If they refrain from receiving, there is no embarrassment caused by well-meaning parishioners either stopping to wait or motioning insistently for the guests to go first. As Sr. Manners is fond of reminding her readers, liturgical etiquette is an equal mixture of common sense and charity.

Dear Sr. Manners: A couple of weeks ago, Father said in his homily that there are 72 books in the Bible. I counted 7 less. Please enlighten me. — A Parishioner Who Reads the Bible —

 
Gentle Christian: You are to be applauded for your interest in the Bible! The answer to your question is that the Protestant Bible, including the King James Version and updates of it, contains 7 fewer books than the Catholic Bible (Wisdom, Tobit, Sirach, Baruch, Judith and 1 and 2 Maccabees). About 200 B.C., the Old Testament was translated into Greek in Alexandria, Egypt. This version, the Septuagint, also contained 7 books originally written in Greek. Later, St. Jerome translated this collection plus the New Testament into Latin, and this became the accepted canon or collection used by Christians. During the Reformation, Luther translated the Bible into German, using the Hebrew version of the Old Testament, which did not accept the 7 Greek books. Thus, Bibles not designated as "Catholic Editions" do not contain the 7 disputed books. In most, however, they are included as an appendix called the Apocrypha. So, depending on which translation you are using, the number of books could change.

Dear Sr. Manners: I appreciate those people who proclaim the scripture readings, but I have noticed that some readers put life into the readings and are easy to follow, and others read in a monotone. Do they all get the same training?

 
Gentle Christian: Sr. Manners appreciates them, too. The ministry of proclaiming the Word is an important part of the "work of the people" (the literal meaning of the word, "liturgy"). Those who offer themselves as lectors are trained, and receive books which guide them in how to proclaim the readings for each week. The differences you have observed in readers are in part due to the different personalities of the readers. Some people are more animated than others. That being said, Sr. Manners would also like to remind lectors that proclaiming is different from reading aloud. The ministry of the lector is to bring the Word to life in the assembly. This is done by reading with expression -- with appropriate pauses, inflections and emphases -- and by reading slowly and loudly enough to be clearly understood. Proclaiming is halfway between simply reading aloud as one might read a newspaper article to someone else, and performing for an audience. The ministry of the assembly is to listen attentively and quietly, showing both reverence for the Word and respect for the person who proclaims it.

Dear Sr. Manners: At communion, I notice that some people dip their hands into the baptismal pool and bless themselves with water on the way to communion. Why do they do this?

 
Gentle Christian: In more contemporary worship spaces, the holy water fonts at the entrance are eliminated in favor of a prominently placed baptismal pool. The function is the same, but the image is clearer. People bless themselves with baptismal water in order to reaffirm their own baptism. It is appropriate to do this when entering or leaving the worship space, and at other times when this act of personal devotion does not interfere with the liturgy. This action should always be performed reverently and intentionally -- not carelessly waving a wet hand over one’s body while conversing or being involved in some other activity. On the way to communion, recalling their entrance into the Body of Christ through baptism helps the faithful remember that they are united with Christ present in the gathered believers, as well as in the sacramental bread and wine. Sr. Manners would offer the caution, however, that communicants take care not to impede the flow of the communion line.

Dear Sr. Manners: I try to listen to the prayers and readings at Mass, but sometimes -- especially if the worship space is crowded, I have a hard time hearing. What do you suggest?

 
Gentle Christian: There could be several reasons for your problem. Sometimes it may be the fault of the lector or presider that prayers and readings cannot be heard. It is also possible that other worshippers are not aware how much noise they make by their comings and goings during liturgy, or that small children are understandably restless and noisy (in which case, dear parents, Sr. Manners urges that you avail yourselves of the parish nursery). Most often, it’s simply that there are acoustically "dead spots" in the worship center. The more people present, the more sound vibrations are absorbed by the mass of bodies and clothing. Try moving to different locations (as many of your fellow-parishioners have done) until you find a spot where you can hear. Many parishioners report that the best spots are in the middle rows of chairs and pews in the center section.

Dear Sr. Manners: If I am just a little bit late for Mass, is it acceptable to enter during the processional song?

 
Gentle Christian: Sr. Manners assumes that this is a rare occurrence, since she is sure you have such respect for the liturgy and your parish community that you would not habitually come late to Mass. If the entrance procession has begun, or is about to begin, the well-mannered Christian remains in the vestibule until the procession has gone up the aisle. It is never appropriate to cut in front of the cross and book bearers and the presider -- both out of respect for these people and for the sacred symbols of the cross and the lectionary. Once the procession has gone up the aisle, you may take a seat as unobtrusively as possible. Of course, if you arrive after the Liturgy of the Word has begun, you are expected to wait in the vestibule until the Gospel has been proclaimed, after which the ushers will be glad to seat you. Movement in the aisles during the proclamation of the Word of God is distracting to those who are trying to attend to the readings, and is disrespectful to the Word of God.

Dear Sr. Manners: What’s with the drums, maracas, synthesizers and all the other instruments at Mass? Are they appropriate?

 
Gentle Christian: Even Sr. Manners, paragon of liturgical etiquette that she is, admits that she prefers certain styles of music over others. However, she also recognizes that liturgy is not a personal devotion, and appreciates the variety of music as a sign of the variety of people in the community. Read the psalms. They instruct the people to praise the Lord with tambourine, ten-stringed lyre, cymbals and dance, and to make a joyful noise unto the Lord. The point is, dear Christian, that there are many ways to praise God with music. While personal tastes and preferences differ, many styles of music can be included in good liturgy. Good liturgy involves the whole person -- senses, intellect, emotions. Music can affect all of these. A stirring spiritual, a meditative hymn, a contemporary liturgical song and a "golden oldie" can all be appropriate. The religious music of various cultures can invite the mass-goer into a new experience of prayer. Just as the musicians do not impose their personal tastes on the congregation to the exclusion of all other styles of music, so Sr. Manners urges you, dear worshipper, to recognize that music which does not appeal to you might lead another person to a fuller participation.

Dear Sr. Manners: What should I do if the person next to me declines my outstretched hand during the Lord’s Prayer?

Dear Sr. Manners: Is it permissible to take pictures during Mass on special occasions?

 
Gentle Christian: One’s first concern should be to respect the sacredness of the liturgy and the right of the community to participate attentively. With that in mind, a discreet photo from one’s seat, using film not needing a flash, is permissible. Flash photography is never appropriate. (Sr. Manners sometimes has the feeling that proud relatives have confused the liturgy with the Oscars, considering the amount of flashes!) Participants (godparents, for example) should never be the ones taking the pictures. Every family has its resident photographer — designate one person to take pictures for everybody. Running around, standing in the aisles and climbing over other worshippers is never acceptable. The same guidelines apply for videotaping -- discreetly, from one’s seat. Tripods are never allowed — they are a safety hazard in the aisles and impede traffic flow. Keep in mind, proud progenitor, that you may take as many pictures as you wish before and after the liturgy.

Dear Sr. Manners: Is it now proper to wear white to a wake and funeral when the weather is warm?

 
Gentle Christian: The Catholic funeral liturgy focuses on the new life of the deceased, while being sensitive to the grief of those who are left to mourn the loved one who is no longer physically present. Because of the emphasis on the resurrection (we "celebrate" the funeral liturgy), it is acceptable to wear whatever one wishes. The occasion requires that your dress be respectful -- neither overly elaborate or casual [jeans, t-shirt and flip-flops, for example]. However, the most important thing is that you are there to offer comfort and support to the family and friends of the deceased -- and that, dear Christian, is what they will remember — not what you wore!

Dear Sr. Manners: I attend Mass at the local parish wherever I am traveling. I do what I am comfortable doing -- which means that sometimes I am the only one kneeling or standing. How would you handle this situation?

Gentle Christian: The Mass is first and foremost a community celebration. Therefore, individual expressions of piety which cause one to stand out are inappropriate. When everyone else is standing and one person insists on kneeling, attention is drawn to that person. (Of course, if physical limitations require that you remain seated during Mass, that is fine; God bless you for being there!) Sr. Manners suggests, dear believer, that in an unfamiliar worship environment, you choose a place where you can see other people in the congregation, and that you do what they do: Stand when they stand; kneel when they kneel; and sit when they sit. Also, watch at communion and do what they do. Adding your own private acts of devotion [genuflecting, for example] calls attention to you, holds up the communion line and are not part of the rubric for reception of Holy Communion. In other words, "When in Rome, do as the Romans do!"

Dear Sr. Manners: Why does the parish send e-mails and make phone calls with information about funerals? Often -- I did not know the person, and would feel uncomfortable attending a stranger’s funeral.

 
Gentle Christian: Although the deceased may not be known to us personally, we are never really strangers. We are still bound together as members of the faith community, fellow believers — Christians who share the same life. Remember also, dear Christian, that funerals are celebrated not only for the deceased, but also to comfort the living with a vivid reminder of our belief in resurrection. At a time when bereaved relatives and friends may find it difficult to pray, the community prays on their behalf. At a time when those experiencing loss feel cut off and alone, the community gathers around them with loving support and concern. Often, hesitancy might arise from a fear of saying "the wrong thing." A simple "I’m sorry," or "God bless you," is all that is required. The most important thing is the gift of your presence.

Dear Sr. Manners: Last Sunday a very affectionate couple sat in front of me at Mass. I found it distracting. Please comment.

Gentle Christian: Ah, young love! Sr. Manners likes a romance story as much as the next one, but she must advise that public displays of affection are definitely not appropriate if they are such that others’ attention is drawn to them. Such displays are especially out of place at Mass, when the focus is on the presence of Christ in community, word and sacrament; and any behavior which calls attention to oneself and away from the full, conscious and active participation in the Eucharist is not appropriate. While a touch of hands might be acceptable, clinging to each other, head lying on the beloved’s shoulder, or whispered endearments during liturgy — definitely not. (One caution, however. Sr. Manners has always found it a bit incongruous to see married couples shaking hands during the exchange of peace! That is one place where a brief embrace is appropriate.)

Dear Sr. Manners: Why are visitors asked to stand at Mass? And is all that clapping appropriate in church?

 
Gentle Christian: Visitors are celebrated, because of all the places they could go while visiting this area rich in history and amusements -- for this time period -- they have chosen to be at Mass. What a wonderful witness to the community! Secondly, welcoming all should be a primary focus of a church that proclaims itself "Catholic," i.e., universal. Sr. Manners hopes that parishioners, once made aware of the presence of visitors, continue the welcome in a friendly greeting after Mass, an invitation to stay for coffee and some pleasant conversation. Now about the clapping ... A warm, appreciative applause is simply another expression of the community’s sentiment. Clapping to welcome a visitor, congratulate a first communicant, or thank a fellow-parishioner for his or her ministry is neither disrespectful nor inappropriate.

Gentle Christian: Sr. Manners is upset! On recent Sundays, she has observed much too much of gum being chewed at Mass, cell phones beeping, people roaming around, folks coming late and/or leaving early, and dress more appropriate for the beach than the worship center. Although many of you have read and heeded Sr. Manners’ "gentle reminders," there is still room for improvement. Adults must bear in mind that children look to them for an example. Children who see adults acting in ways that lack respect and reverence are sure to imitate what they see. Please, dear believer, do not think that warm weather and vacation excuse one from reverent and respectful behavior. The above behaviors are not only disrespectful and irreverent to the Eucharist -- they are also disrespectful and irreverent toward the gathered community, in whom Christ is also present.

Dear Sr. Manners: I am planning my wedding liturgy, and I am very disappointed. I have just learned that I cannot have "Here Comes the Bride" as a wedding march, that I cannot have ‘our special song’ played during the wedding, and that I cannot have my favorite poem as one of the readings. Why?

 
Gentle Christian: The problem here is that you are no longer in the realm of etiquette, but of liturgy. Liturgical guidelines are the same for all sacramental celebrations, including the one you are planning. (Whether or not you have a Mass, the sacramental celebration of matrimony is liturgical.) The purpose of all liturgy is to offer praise and thanksgiving to the Father in union with Christ in the power of the Spirit. Liturgical music is part of that praise and thanksgiving. Secular music is out of place at any liturgy, including marriages. There are many beautiful and appropriate hymns which the music director will be happy to discuss with you. Sr. Manners suggests that your ‘special song’ is more appropriate for the reception.

All liturgy follows the pattern of "gather the people, tell the story, break the bread, go forth and live it." The "tell the story" part is the community’s story, which is found in the Scriptures. Rather than telling the personal story of you and your beloved, the readings invite the two of you to unite your individual story with the ongoing life and story of the community. The scripture readings you select can be a beautiful expression of the spiritual dimension of your relationship as you ask the church’s blessing on your new life together.

Dear Sr. Manners: I know there is an accepted dress code for certain events for adults, and even schools now have a dress code for their students. What is the proper attire for us at Mass?

Gentle Christian: This is a difficult topic. We do not want to suggest that one is not welcome at the Sunday liturgy without expensive clothing — and yet, out of respect for what we are doing at Mass and as an example for young children, a modicum of propriety is expected. Simply put -- beach wear, formal wear, etc. are not appropriate attire. The goal in dressing for Mass should be not to attract undue attention to oneself. One should aim for, "You look nice today," as opposed to, "My gosh! Did you see what she or he was wearing today?!" An added note, dear Christian, is that if you are a public minister in the liturgy, a lector, a Eucharistic minister, or a cantor, for example, you should dress with extra care, so that your appearance does not pose a distraction to worshippers.

Dear Sr. Manners: When I got the planning booklet for my upcoming wedding, I don’t mind telling you — I was upset! Since I got my first bride doll at age five, I have been planning my wedding. Now I am told that -- among other things -- I cannot have my father give me away! This is my wedding. Why can’t I have what I want?

 
Gentle Christian: Yes, it is your wedding, but it is also the Church’s sacrament. Weddings are social institutions, full of customs and rules of social etiquette. The legal contract of marriage is the same for all couples. But when you also express a desire to enter into the covenant of holy matrimony, to celebrate at a liturgy in your parish — you are adding a much wider dimension to the wedding. All liturgies, including the sacramental celebration of marriage and the nuptial Mass, are community celebrations and are guided by the values and norms of the Church. For example, your dignity as a Christian woman means you are not anyone’s property, and no one can "give you away" to someone else. You and your beloved, however, may be escorted up the aisle by your parents as a sign of the joining of the two families, or may walk up the aisle together as you approach the altar to pledge your fidelity to one another.

Dear Sr. Manners: Do you have any advice for me when I come to the parish office? Since this is my parish and I am a contributor, I feel that the parish employees work for me as much as anybody else in the parish.

Gentle Christian: Oh, dear! Is individualism rearing its unattractive head again? Parish employees work for the parish, of which you are a part. That is very different from being employed by you! Parish office personnel should, in Sr. Manners’ humble opinion, be candidates for canonization. They deal with a myriad of interruptions, listen to parishioners’ troubles, juggle several projects and requests at once, and still manage to get the parish work done. They are gracious people who will attempt to accommodate your needs and make you feel welcome. You, however, must do your part, dear Christian, by observing basic rules of etiquette. If you have your children with you, keep them under control and away from office machines. If you are waiting to see someone, please understand that it is not a requirement that the office staff stop work to entertain you. Do not be offended if they go about their work as you wait. And please, when you make a request of the office staff, give them enough time to plan it into their schedules. With the exception of funeral planning, Sr. Manners can think of few things that cannot be scheduled in advance. Finally, a "thank you" or occasional note of appreciation would be a lovely gesture on your part ... as well as being good etiquette!

Dear Sr. Manners: My friend was divorced and remarried. Now she says she got an "annulment" and had her marriage blessed in the Church. I thought marriage was forever. Does this mean she was never married in the first place? Does this make her children illegitimate?

 
Gentle Christian: Yours is a common question, since most people are familiar with a civil annulment, which does mean that no marriage existed. A Church annulment recognizes that a legally binding marriage existed, but that a sacramental or Christian marriage was not present. The Church understands a sacramental marriage as a permanent, exclusive, freely chosen union of life and love. If it can be shown that one of these elements was missing from the start, or that one or both of the parties was incapable of understanding or fulfilling the requirements of a Christian marriage, the Church declares the sacramental or Christian marriage to be annulled, leaving the petitioner free to enter into a valid sacramental marriage.
 
Since the Church recognizes the legal union, a Church annulment does not affect any of the provisions of the divorce settlement or the legitimacy of any children born to the marriage. In fact, a Church annulment requires that the parties involved meet the obligations of the marriage -- child support, alimony, etc.

You are correct, dear Christian, that the Church views Christian, sacramental marriage as indissoluble; however, she also recognizes that not every legal marriage is a Christian marriage. Sr. Manners would like to caution that Catholic marriage laws are complex, and therefore, no Catholic should presume to make judgments about the validity of another Catholic’s marriage.

Dear Sr. Manners: I prefer to bring my toddlers to Mass. As long as I bring toys and snacks to entertain them, isn’t this okay? The people around me seem to be amused by my child’s activities, and my little one’s occasional crying or talking should be understandable to parents. What do you think?

Gentle Christian: Oh dear.... Sr. Manners is afraid you have confused the worship center and the nursery. The nursery is the proper place for the entertainment of small children while the adult community focuses itself on offering praise and thanksgiving to God. Although the Scripture says to "make a joyful noise unto the Lord," Sr. Manners is of the opinion that this refers to singing, not to toddler chatter. Young children who spend a happy hour in the nursery will begin to understand that coming to Church on Sundays is a regular part of the family’s routine, and something to which they will look forward. Your fellow Christians will duly admire and entertain your child during the fellowship after Mass, for which -- of course -- your family makes time.

Dear Sr. Manners: When attending a funeral, where should I sit in church?

Gentle Christian: First, you are to be applauded for your presence at this painful time in the life of a fellow-parishioner. Being there is itself a gift you can offer. There is no "correct" place to sit. The best approach is to reflect on what would help you if you were a member of the bereaved family, and act accordingly. Sr. Manners has noticed that many people -- perhaps out of deference -- sit several rows back from the reserved seats. The unfortunate result is the isolation of the bereaved family members from the community, with rows of empty seats between them and the rest of the assembly. Consider moving up closer so that your presence will surround the family. It is also thoughtful to sit on the side by the altar where those not familiar with the parish’s practices can see when to stand, sit, etc., to save them the awkward feeling of wondering if everyone else is sitting while they stand in front!

Dear Sr. Manners: I’ve noticed that some of the young children run around in the Commons after Mass, shouting and roughhousing as though they were on a playground. Their parents seem to pay no attention to this behavior. Is it acceptable to remind another person’s child that the Commons is not a playground?

 
Gentle Christian: The behavior you describe is not only unacceptable; it is also dangerous to the children, and especially to the many elderly people who might fall and be injured if they collided with a running child. It is appropriate, therefore, to intervene as gently as possible -- recognizing that the behavior is most likely the result of youthful exuberance and not maliciousness. Sr. Manners would prefer that parents take the opportunity to teach their children consideration for others and appropriate behavior in social situations. If, however, they are oblivious to this particular opportunity for instruction, you may speak to the children yourself, saying something like, "Please don’t run in here -- it’s too crowded, and you might get hurt." It is also acceptable to say something similar to the parents: "I am afraid your little one will get hurt or get coffee spilled on him if he runs around in here where it is so crowded." Parents, dear Christian, are likely to resent criticism of their child’s behavior, but what parent can object to someone being so concerned about their child’s welfare?

Dear Sr. Manners: My friend told me that her wedding is going to take place at a regular parish liturgy on a Saturday evening. I never heard of such a thing! Can she do that? Should she do that?

 
Gentle Christian: The short answer to both questions is "yes." But Sr. Manners is sure some explanation is in order. The Church understands all sacraments as community celebrations through which Christ invites us into a deeper relationship with him through the community. Therefore, sacraments are most properly celebrated with the community at a parish liturgy. In the case of the sacrament of matrimony, the couple pledges in the midst of their faith community to commit themselves to Christian marriage which the Church understands as a Christ-centered union of life and love, which is permanent, exclusive and freely chosen. A couple who intends to live out the holiness of Christian marriage recognizes that the community is an important component, as the primary sign of the presence of the Risen Christ. It is the community that will support and nurture their new family unit. What better setting to begin a new way of life than surrounded by one’s faith community during a parish Eucharist, the center and source of the community’s and the couple’s life in Christ!

Dear Sr. Manners: I think it is nice that people are greeted when they enter the Church on Sunday morning. But I’m a shy person and kind of rush by to get to my seat. Do you think I am being impolite to the greeters? ... I don’t mean to be....

 
Gentle Christian: Two considerations come to mind. First, the simple etiquette of responding to a greeting does apply here. The individual who offers the greeting deserves the courtesy of a response. Equally important, however, is that the greeter is there as a representative of the parish community. He or she is welcoming you in their name and is there as a sign of the communal nature of the Sunday Eucharist. You are not at Mass for private prayer or a "me and Jesus" encounter. You are there as a member of the Body of Christ to offer praise and thanksgiving to God as the community celebrates Eucharist, led by the presider. Awareness of the community is essential to good liturgy, and that starts by graciously accepting the greeting given in the community’s name when you enter the worship space. That greeting sets the context for the whole celebration.

Dear Sr. Manners: Sometimes I accompany my neighbor to her church for services, and sometimes she comes to Mass with me. Shouldn’t we be able to go to communion in each other’s church?

 
Gentle Christian: This is a very painful question for Christians. Sr. Manners would love to be able to say, "Of course!" to your question, but she cannot. The question is not one of etiquette, but of theology. Different denominations have different beliefs about the meaning of Communion. Catholics believe in the real, personal, sacramental presence of Jesus in the consecrated bread and wine that they receive in holy Communion. The majority of non-Roman denominations either reject that teaching completely, or see communion in a symbolic -- not sacramental -- way. Without a unity of belief, communion cannot be shared. Eucharist, in the Catholic understanding, is the sacrament of the unity of the Body of Christ. Sadly, Christians are not unified, and so to partake of communion together is a false sign and would be dishonest, because it symbolizes a unity that does not exist. The work of reconciliation must first take place among Christians so that the whole of Christianity can be one family gathered around one table.

Dear Sr. Manners: I know there is an accepted dress code for certain events for adults, and even schools now have a dress code for their students. What is the proper attire for us at Mass?

 
Gentle Christian: This is a difficult topic. We do not want to suggest that one is not welcome at the Sunday liturgy without expensive clothing — and yet, out of respect for what we are doing at Mass and as an example for young children, a modicum of propriety is expected. Simply put -- beach wear, formal wear, etc. are not appropriate attire. The goal in dressing for Mass should be not to attract undue attention to oneself. One should aim for, "You look nice today," as opposed to, "My gosh! Did you see what she or he was wearing today?!" An added note, dear Christian, is that if you are a public minister in the liturgy, a lector, a Eucharistic minister, or a cantor, for example, you should dress with extra care, so that your appearance does not pose a distraction to worshippers.

Dear Sr. Manners: There is so much to do on the summer weekends that my family often skips Mass. Is this now acceptable?

Gentle Christian: Sr. Manners suspects that you already know the answer and that you are not comfortable with your current approach -- hence your query. In the past the Church has offered a dispensation from the Sunday Mass obligation to travelers and the ill and infirm, for whom attendance would pose a great hardship. Notice the word is hardship, faithful believer, not inconvenience. Sr. Manners is inclined to think that today’s Catholics excuse themselves from Sunday liturgy much more readily than their predecessors. And yet, Mass attendance is so much easier now. If you have a conflict with Mass times in your own parish, there are several Catholic Churches within easy driving distance, and most have more than one Mass scheduled. AND those schedules are a phone call or internet click away -- even in distant lands. The question then becomes one of priorities. You might ask yourself about the message you are sending your children when you treat Mass as something to be worked in if there is nothing better to do. Sr. Manners suggests that you make Mass your first priority, and structure your day around it. You will be a much happier little Christian if you do.

 
Gentle Christian: In this eat-and-run society, Sr. Manners supposes it to be inevitable that people would begin applying the same behavior to the Eucharistic banquet. Sadly, the practice of family meals with gracious conversation is being replaced by "fast food." Sadly, our liturgical habits tend to mirror our daily practices. Well-mannered people, however, are still expected to remain at the table until the conversation has concluded. Likewise, well-mannered Christians remain for the entire closing hymn. Another phenomenon of today’s fast pace is the "drive-through," where one does not even need to leave one’s car to eat. Catholics have developed a version of this as well — those folks who grab the Eucharist and exit the church all in one motion. This practice is disrespectful both to the Eucharist and to the community, and should be avoided at all costs.

 
Gentle Christian: One must first ask -- when is the talking taking place? After all, the Church is where we gather to be reminded that WE are the Body of Christ! One does not come to a meal and keep silent. So -- before the Mass, Christians should greet one another to show reverence to Christ living in each person -- and after Mass -- having been sent forth to "love and serve the Lord and one another," silence would be most inappropriate. However, during the Mass itself, talking should be confined to the responses of the Liturgy. Churches are carefully constructed to conduct sound waves so that everyone can hear ... therefore, Sr. Manners must caution that there is no such thing as an unobtrusive whisper! So, dear believer, lack of conversation before and after Mass, and conversation during Mass, are equally rude and disrespectful.

Dear Sr. Manners: Is it really necessary to attend all three Holy Week services? This calls for a great deal of adjustment of my busy schedule.

 
Gentle Christian: Perhaps your attitude, as well as your schedule, needs to be adjusted. The Paschal Mystery (the death and resurrection of Christ) is the center of Christian faith. It is too much to be celebrated at one liturgy (yes - even the two-hour Easter Vigil!). The Triduum unfolds like a three-act play. Each liturgy is “to be continued” the next night. In her wisdom the Church has not made the liturgies of the Triduum obligatory. Sr. Manners suspects that Holy Mother the Church believed that absence from these community gatherings would be unthinkable to the believing Christian. The Paschal Mystery gives meaning to everything else we do in our parish life. Gathering to reflect on and celebrate them is a privilege, gentle Christian, never an obligation.

Dear Sr. Manners: When I arrive for Holy Week services, should I find a stranger occupying my seat, is it permissible to ask the interloper to move, or must I - a regular member of the Parish - find another seat?

 
Gentle Christian: The last time Sr. Manners looked, none of the seats in the worship space had “no trespassing” signs posted. It would be much more gracious, dear believer, and much more in keeping with the spirit of the liturgy for you to warmly welcome the visitor, thank him or her for joining the community, and ask whether you could be of assistance. Holy Thursday, you will recall, focuses on service to others - and Good Friday, on dying all those little deaths which charity demands of us (like giving up our cherished seat or task), so that we might celebrate the rising on Easter.

Dear Sr. Manners: When I arrive late for Mass, the ushers make me wait in the back until the gospel is read. I don’t see why I can’t just take a seat when I arrive.

 
Gentle Christian: While Sr. Manners is concerned for your comfort, she is more concerned with the recent trend toward a casual approach to starting times. She must remind you, dear Christian, of the deep respect the Church has for the Word of God, and the right for your fellow Christians to hear the word without the distraction of rearranging their seating to accommodate latecomers. 

Dear Sr. Manners: What is the proper way to dispose of gum before going to Communion?

 
Gentle Christian: Sr. Manners appreciates your desire to approach the Eucharist with reverence. She suggests, however, that you extend that reverence to the entire service. In other words, the proper time to dispose of gum is before one enters the worship space. Both hygiene and etiquette require that gum be wrapped before depositing it in the appropriate receptacle. Sr. Manners believes that the only thing that should be in one’s mouth during Mass is a song or word of praise. She will, however, allow a cough drop for that bothersome tickle in the throat, reminding users that cellophane cracking should be avoided.

Dear Sr. Manners: What is the proper way to receive the bread at Communion?

 
Gentle Christian: You have touched on a problem Sr. Manners encounters in many areas of etiquette. Actions performed frequently -- even very important ones -- can become routine, and carelessness or inattention can have unfortunate results. Sr. Manners believes this to be the case when she sees otherwise reverent people snatching the bread from the hand of the eucharistic minister, or tossing the bread from the hand to the mouth as though it were popcorn.

She is grateful for the opportunity to review: When taking Communion in one’s hands, one should place one hand on top of the other and hold them up so that the minister can see them. Hands, of course, should be clean. When the minister raises the bread, the communicant should wait for him or her to say, "The Body of Christ," to which the communicant assents by responding, "Amen." Once the bread has been placed in the hand, the communicant picks it up with the other hand and places it in the mouth.

Dear Sr. Manners: What should I do if I have a cold and am offered the cup at Communion?

 
Gentle Christian: Christian sharing does not include those nasty cold germs. Out of respect for the health of one’s fellow members of the Body of Christ, it is permissible for a person with such a problem to pass up the cup. Barring such circumstances, however, the faithful are urged to fully participate in the breaking of the bread and the sharing of the cup -- the better to symbolize the unity of Christ and his people. While she is on the topic of the cup, permit Sr. Manners to address another unpleasantry: Lipstick is meant for the lips -- not the rim of the cup. Wearers are cautioned to be moderate in the use of such adornments, trusting that their natural beauty will shine through.

Dear Sr. Manners: What should you do if you need to leave the worship space during Mass?

 
Gentle Christian: Sr. Manners is certain that you understand that only the most unusual circumstances necessitate physically removing oneself during Mass. (At the risk of being indelicate, she suggests that the most common reason for leaving should be something attended to prior to the beginning of Mass. She urges parents to remind their children of this prudent practice.) One must ask oneself whether leaving or staying poses the greater distraction. A coughing fit, for example, might require leaving. If possible, one should time one’s departure when other movement is taking place, and one’s own movements would pose the least distraction. One should not hesitate to seek the assistance of the ushers in times of emergency.

Dear Sr. Manners: Please share your thoughts on cell phones and beepers at Mass.

 
Gentle Christian: While it is true that God calls us, Sr. Manners has never known it to be on a cell phone. Therefore, one may safely dispense from their use during Mass. Rings, beeps and buzzes during Mass are most disruptive of the proceedings and are distracting to one’s fellow worshippers. Therefore, Sr. Manners must admonish you, faithful believer, to turn off communication devices when entering the worship space. Having gotten that annoyance off her wimple, Sr. Manners would further suggest that those things which cause us to always be connected to the outside world can be detrimental to the connections we need to make at Mass with the Risen Lord and the other members of the Body of Christ. Sr. Manners does not accept the precept of modern society that the more things one can do at once, the more productive one’s life is. She believes that participating fully, enthusiastically and attentively at Sunday worship is the most productive thing one does all week.

Dear Sr. Manners: Please discuss the phenomenon of "holiday Catholics".

 
Gentle Christian: …Surely you mean how the regular parishioners can make these guests as welcome and as comfortable as possible. Both charity and etiquette make it incumbent upon you, dear believer, to extend a warm greeting to all who join the community, without making judgments regarding the reasons for, or frequency of, their attendance. Sr. Manners would add that, especially at holiday times, all parishioners should be aware of the needs of visitors, such as where restrooms, coatrooms, etc. are to be found, and to issue an invitation to join the community for coffee after Mass.

Dear Sr. Manners: I was taught as a child to genuflect before entering the pew when I come to Mass. Is this gesture of respect gone in today’s world? Why don’t people genuflect any more?

 
Gentle Christian: Your parents and catechists are to be commended for your sense of reverence. Sr. Manners must point out, however, that one genuflects in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament. Like you, Sr. Manners was raised in the pre-Vatican II Church where the tabernacle was in the main worship space; and she, too, grew up genuflecting. It is still appropriate to genuflect when entering the Blessed Sacrament chapel (Sr. Manners allows a bow for the arthritic). If the tabernacle is in its own chapel, one does not genuflect upon entering the worship area. Sr. Manners believes that a warm greeting, acknowledging the presence of one’s fellow parishioners (in whom Jesus is also present) is the desired way to enter the worship space.

Dear Sr. Manners: Why aren’t there holy water fonts in our church anymore?

 
Gentle Christian: Think bigger! Sr. Manners points out to you that the baptismal pool with 150 gallons of baptismal water is centrally located for your use. In churches where the place of baptism is not easily accessible to the faithful, the practice has been to provide a container of baptismal water at the entrance. Whatever the container, dear baptized Christian, use it with attention. Often Sr. Manners sees people plunge a hand into the water and wave it in front of their torsos while continuing a conversation. The practice of crossing oneself with holy water is meant to recall and reaffirm one’s baptismal commitment and promises. (Sr. Manners is sure you have noticed that the Sign of the Cross is a shorter version of the creed and the baptismal promises.) 

Dear Sr. Manners: Is it all right to bring my infant to Mass? Our parish has a nursery, but I like to have my child with me.

 
Gentle Christian: Sr. Manners loves babies, too. However, she feels compelled to raise some cautions in response to your query. Babies have no sense of timing. When they want something, they scream for it -- often at the least opportune time. At the first cry, you must, dear parent, remove the child from the church , especially if it is during the readings or homily. Your fellow Christians have a right to hear the word of God unimpeded. It is important, therefore, that you choose a seat positioned for a quick exit. Secondly, Sr. Manners notes that although babies may come into the world with nothing, they accumulate belongings rapidly. A baby is usually accompanied by a carrier, a diaper bag, toys, blankets, bottles, etc. These can pose tripping hazards to others when left on the floor. So, Sr. Manners recommends that if you do bring your wee one, you leave all but the bare essentials in the coat room. Finally, Sr. Manners strongly suggests that you volunteer your services for the parish nursery and become familiar with it. Then it might be a more attractive alternative.